Withdrawral

Withdrawral is a bitch.

I guess I'd come a long way. I'd stopped thinking about 'the good life' and started looking forward to new opportunities. But a new opportunity came, and took over my passion. It is a new way of life for me. A new way of living. The time has passed and I am very much alone once more. What I would do for a hug. Or alternatively a plane ticket back to that place. I wish I could live my life, I wish it wasn't a dream. But until I'm 18, then that is my reality.

Workk...

Beep. (sorry to the classy readers who see something starting with onomatopoeia and immediately RUN in the opposite direction but yeah, get over it.) The sensor continuously reminded me of the people coming through the entry gates. Like I needed the beep between the already noisy clattering of bags and stamping feet, not to mention the cool-as teenagers with their loud chattering and the elderly on their electronic scooters. Of course I still looked up with a smile, even though to be perfectly honest, I could quite do without the constant business sounds of this environment. But customer service means that you always smile, and laugh at their jokes even when they aren’t funny. I mean, if life is a stage then those in customer service must be the main actors, after doctors of course. I mean, anybody who is entitled to anesthetise me only to cut my seemingly lifeless body open with sharp instruments must be quite good at playing ‘Mr. Responsible’ I think. Other that or actors are generally complete idiots. Hmm... What an epiphany.

What is Life?

Sometimes life is merely a flurry of thoughts, a whirlwind of action, and rare moments of calm quickly eventuating into boredom.
Life, something so precious, so rare, so misused... Can we honestly say that everybody who is alive has lived? Life is more than a heart pounding in your chest. Life is more than a pair of lungs heaving up and down. Life is so much more.

Life is love. Love is what we live for. Life is waking up in the morning, and feeling loved. Life is picking up the phone, and knowing exactly who wants to hear your voice. Life is walking down the street with somebody else’s shadow in front of you. Life is the clicking of a camera, capturing each moment as it comes. Life is love.

Life is when you play tug-of-war with your dog. Life is when you climb hay bales just to slide back down again. Life is standing in official places doing unofficial things. Life is laughing, and knowing you will laugh again. Life is smiling, and not being able to remember anything else. Life is when you hold out your hand and somebody grabs it and pulls you into their world. Life is when you hug somebody so tight that you know you could never let them go. Life is long walks on a beach listening to the waves against the shore. Life is sitting on a rock in the middle of the ocean with your dog. Live is love.
Life is when children are free to play in the fields. Life is hyperventilating and seeing somebody looking into your eyes with concern. Life is when you can run in circles pretending to be something you never were. Life is when laughter fills the air. Life is when everybody has enough to eat. Life is when the cardboard boxes on the street are simply there for recycling collection. Life is when you have respect, and receive it in return. Life is when you crawl on the ground to be at the same level as a child. Life is when you dance in the water, feeling the waves of grace over each muscle of your body. Life is love.

Life is when a child dances, freedom in each step. Life is pushing a wheelchair up an escalator, and feeling the hands on your own shoulders stopping you from rolling backwards. Life is when people play music in the street, for everyone to enjoy. Life is when colour covers the wall, and artists paint a happier moment into the creases of existence. Life is lying in the grass with your mates, and finding a ladybug living there. Life is smelling the flowers, and entering the aromatic world beyond our own. Life is holding hands and jumping into an ice cold lake. Life is love.

Life is performing to your friends, and feeling like you are ready for the Emmy’s. Life is dreaming, and it being true. Life is laying flat on your back, watching the clouds and finding the different shapes, until they turn into stars. Life is speaking for what you believe in, and having people listen to you. Life is doing your own thing, and finding people who do the same. Life is screaming to a metaphorical person when you’re all alone. Life is reading a script and envisioning the performance as directed by you. Life is feeling famous when you’re standing on a chair in your bedroom. Life is love.

Life is daring to dream. Life is jumping for joy. Life is when you do a cartwheel in the middle of a walk. Life is standing on a surfboard for the first time. Life is feeling like you’re dying, and having a hand around your shoulders telling you to breath. Life is when your doodle becomes the Mona Lisa. Life is when the writing on your page opens your eyes to a new existence. Life is pushing a wheelchair to a carnival and watching the smile take over their face. Life is love.

Life is when ... You love. You are loved. You cannot live without love. Life is special. Life is something each person has their own understanding of. This is my understanding. This is what I believe in. This is who I am.

Heroes

Sometimes life is actually really hard.
Sometimes all you want is for it to end.
There is so much going through your head. So many thoughts, so many memories.
You look at these photographs on your wall- frozen moments in time that you so often escape to. The good life. The times you hope that you will never forget, so that they will never really end.
Sometimes you wonder why you deserved such happiness. Why so many good times were yours.
Sometimes you look in the mirror, and imagine it shattering.
Sometimes, life is black. There is no happiness. There is no memories. All is numb.
There is just you, and that voice in your head. Yelling, screaming, silence.
But then a hero comes along.
And that hero saves the day.
That hero, MAKES the day.
You feel alive. You aren't numb anymore because you care. You care so much that you would actually die for this person. You don't want to die because you can't protect anyone when you're dead.
This is a shoutout to my heroes. One at a time. I will give all for you.
Patch
Jasmine
Kathleen
Jacqui.
I love you. I love our memories. You guys have saved me. Thankyou.

A bit of different stuff...

Photo Shoot =D

Cos I Need You

I can take the rain pouring down on the roof of my empty house. That doesn’t bother me. I can take the tears flowing down my cheeks, and not seeing you there to wipe them away. I’m not afraid to keep wearing this mask, and keep smiling and laughing even though I feel like crying. I’m not upset that I always need to pretend that I’m okay. What hurts me the most, is being so close, and having so much to say, and having somebody to listen, and needing to walk away. I have seen what could be, I now know what love is. I wish I could go back to that week.
It’s hard to deal with the pain, because it’s always in my heart. It’s hard to force that smile when I see so many couples and so many friends laughing, and I’m all alone. I get up and get dressed; I’m living with so much sadness and regret. If only I could start over, go back to that place. If only you were here. I don’t need you to wipe my tears, I need you to be here, so I’ll never need to cry again. I miss you. I need you. I miss you so much.

Photo Editsss

She skirted the question. Not consciously. Not so that she noticed. Not even so that others would notice. But I noticed. She never made a statement, but answered each question with a different question. It was this that unsettled me.
There was a way that she walked, a way that seemed abnormal and awkward. Her shoulders were back, yet her arms fell jerkily by her side, and her muscles were tense, as if pre-empting attack. Even her legs seemed withdrawn, as though a puppet master was controlling her, despite her desperate attempts to walk her own way.
There was the way that she talked. Clearly, with an ounce of confidence. But her eyes and nose wrinkled, and her throat kept pausing to swallow. Every now and then, she would stutter, but her eyes, her eyes disturbed me the most. Her eyes darted faster than a speeding bullet at every question that she was asked. Her eyes glazed over at this point, as if her mind was stressing, desparate for a way out, or perhaps another excuse to prevent her from whatever it was she was so afraid of. This girl was a fake. An actor. A lie. But a good one at that, for only I ever seemed to notice.
I always seem to notice these things. Things that separate each individual from somebody else. But one thing is the same for everyone, regardless of the age, gender, nationality, culture or, well, anything. Everybody has suffered pain. Everybody lives in fear. Everybody has secrets. And everybody, more than anything else, wants to be loved and to feel loved. Everybody wants a friend. Everybody wants to feel safe, and non-conflicted. But ultimately. Everybody is conflicted. Everybody hurts. Everybody is let down. So, we hold onto the moments where we feel safe and loved and protected, forever. That is why we take photographs. Why we sit around watching movies and making friendship bracelets. Why we hold onto safe moments for as long as it is possible. These are the moments we treasure, the moments that make everything else worthwhile. These are the times when we don’t need meditation and music, but when we are content simply with being. Breathing. Living. Being.

Adjournment

The world is in trouble. The amount and severity of issues currently facing young people is at paramount. Everybody has their own struggles. Their own hurdles they need to cross. For me, the biggest issue facing myself and my peers is mental illness. Mental illness in itself is an extremely large issue facing the entirety of the population. Because of this, i want to speak solely on anxiety.

Unless you are directly affected by anxiety, you would have no idea of what it is really like. Your mouth feels dry, it's a struggle to swallow. Your heart is reacing so fast you feel dizzy. Your legs turn to jelly as your lungs gasp for air. Somebody reaches out to you, and you flinch, or run, or anything you can think of to keep safe. Sometimes, people notice. You feel so stupid, as though you're a freak. You don't even know why you are behaving like this. Everybody is watching, and all you really want is to crawl into a deep, dark hole. You try to think of the good times, but it your head, there is a voice telling you that you never deserved them.

Of course, this is only one account of anxiety. Symptoms and reactions vary greatly from person to person.

Anxiety makes life such a struggle. It affects not only the individual but the people around them. So. What help is available?

In cities, you have access to counsellors, psyciatrists, psychologists, specialists, GP's, doctors, youth facilities, and on and on the list goes.

Rural towns do not have this advantage. In Mount Gambier, we have school counsellors, backlogged GP's, and the Community Mental Health Service known as CAMHS. CAMHS currently has a 6 month waiting list due to such high demand, and backlog due to emergencies. Because of this, suicide is one of the biggest killers of youth in Mount Gambier. We need help. Our town is in a situation few could honestly comprehend. Kids are dying.

Every year at YP, mental health is brought up, proving to me that it isn't just us facing this neverending battle. We need the Government's help. We need the Governments support. We need whatever we can get. We are trapped in a struggle that has seemingly no end. I plead, I beg, I emplore, please. Help us. We need the support and action of the Government or there will never be an end. More kids will die.

For all those suffering from mental illness, you know what i mean, and how i feel. To you all, please, keep going. Keep hoping. Maybe we will get help before it is too late. Wish on an airplane, reach for the stars, buzz like a bee, lean on me, smile, whatever lyric takes your fancy. Live and be proud. When no-one else is there, please contact me, and i promise that i will love you. To me, you are all amazing, or you wouldn't be here.

Writers Block

My friends want me to post something new. Sorry guys but I haven't had a free hour lately, I promise I'll put something up soon =D

I think I should send a shoutout to my mates and the people I love and/or respect more than licorice allsorts...

Firstly, my favoritest person in the world who isn't even a person is my dog Patch. I love her so much, she is by best friend in the entire world, and has been my best friend for 10 years now =D

Secondly, my friends from far away... The big city... Kae Kae, Matt S., Jacqui, Raven and all the others. I love you so much =D

Hannah, I love you but i'm not sure where to put you... I'll put you in the middle =D

Thirdly my friends in my hometown, Rebekah, Ella, Ryan, Tim, Stacey, etc...

Fourthly, my favorite teacher, my support line, the person I can always turn to when I need a hand, Miss. Foster...

My family- Katie, Emma and Daniel, and my new additions, Bronte and thing 2.

My workmate, Fred... and sometimes Jess. Lol =D

So thankyou to you all, you are worth so so much to me, and I will always be here to protect you - so if anyone reading this is going to hurt my friends, you are going to die shortly afterwards.

Love yoouse all,

Clear.Tears

Someday- One of my Songs

This song isn't really finished... Just started singing it to myself and started to record the lyrics, but here it is anyway... Hope you like it =D

Someday-

You hold my hand, we run away
Picture perfect, life was great,
Our hair streaming behind us,
Someday never mattered

We were friends,
we said forever
Someday never mattered.
As long as we were together.

Get out the limo, they're wearing black
I hate it being like that
Above the rain begins to pour
Like the tears streaming down my face
Why aren't you there to wipe them away?

I'm lying in bed, can't get no sleep,
Hugging my pillow close to me
It is cold.
Why aren't you there to hold me tight?

I'm not the person I used to be.
You gave me love, you gave me life,
Now me and myself is left in this fight.

You made me smile, you made me laugh
You gave me the best times of my life
You held me up,
And now I'm down
On my knees I keep saying and praying
Someday... Someday...

Now I know you're not coming back
Someday maybe I'll get over that.

Word.Vignette

I crept slowly down the cold granite path, edging closer and closer to the doorway to my home. My feet sensed the difference between the light and shadow, their tentative steps creating an echo that made me feel comforted, as though another was walking alongside me. My hand, trembling, stretched towards the handle, and froze. My heart throbbed unpredictably like a strobe light, and my throat constricted so tightly it felt as though a rope was strangling me. I stopped, not because I wanted to, but because my legs refused to move. This sound. This was the sound that controlled me, as though I was a jerking marionette. Beyond the heavy, wooden, closed door, beyond the music pounding through my ears, beyond my determination not to listen, I could still hear them. Hear their screams, the taunting, the fury, the niggling. All the more clear was the pointlessness, and, more intimately, the hurt. My hurt, my torment, my anxieties. All the pain I endured, and, for what? Why? It had nothing to do with me. There was no way out. No possible way out. I was standing before my dungeon, the dungeon that imprisoned my heart.

I opened the door, and the torrent of sound hit me like a bullet. This sound, this memory, that haunted my dreams, haunted my reality.

There I was, falling backwards into a smooth cream wall, which emitted no more comfort or warmth than a dentist’s office. There they were, placed on two chairs around a square table. Eyes flashed, mouths clashed, all the while, their body’s jerking like a devil fighting with an angel. I was separate from them. I was alone, left to my thoughts. Within my head, another battle raged. This battle was one that could not be won, but was the result of constant tussles.

“Bang, crash!”, there was my dad, sarcastically impersonating his idea of the sound of Mum’s washing up. My head tilts in a silent scream- Shut up!!!, but he doesn’t hear those meaningful words, and my mouth doesn’t open to say them. I watch on, life moving in slow motion. I watch his eyes narrow, the mouth open, and close again as though his mouth was mechanical. I can’t hear him. I don’t want to hear him. Words are harmless, but the intention, that’s the real weapon. That intention was what tortured me, like a dagger stabbing through me, again, and again, and again.

I walk uneasily to my bedroom. The happy times hung mockingly on the wall- smiles that right now, seemed so long ago. I hear the door slam in the distance, the glass windows shaking, and the swearing that results in the kitchen.

Silence. Dead silence. It’s my fault. Now there is nothing. No love, no communication, numb feeling, numb hurt. Nothing but hurt.